I blame the Government

MeMaws twin boys in the snack pantry

"Making America Fat again! Or at least this American."

Making it through the quarantine one pound at a time

Today's math problem: If mama opens a new bag of wavy lays potato chips on Monday and they are completely gone by Tuesday, times a box of twinkles and a bag of Oreos, how many days of quarantine will it take before leaving the house back through the front door will still be an option?

Will there be an acceptable amount of weight gain that we as a society will just mentally automatically ignore. Maybe 180 lbs will be the new 130. One thing is for certain I will either be hitting up the department store for a whole new wardrobe when the gates of the world pour open or go back to my daily life and job in pj bottoms and oversized t-shirts.

When the dust does finally settle from the war of corona and we all “slowly” emerge from our doorways, yes slowly those extra pounds can weigh a girl down, we will be a new people, maybe a little more aware of our surroundings, a bit more cautions with our hygiene and definitely a larger version of our former selves.

I for one do not feel personally responsible for any weight gain that may occur during this lock in. I totally and completely blame the government. That’s right, every last dimple, roll and patch of cellulite is 100% the doing of our government. Maybe this was the plan all along maybe this whole thing was a plot to make America Fat again. After Obama's whole unpleasant healthy lunch campaign at schools it really put us in a dark place as a country. Skinny cranky kids running around starved to death on health foods. How do you think the snack cake companies did during that whole “Healthy living movement” . I’m willing to guess pretty darn lousy.

What better way to fatten up the country and give back to those Little Debbie corporate owners then to give us all advance warning of a lock down. Of course the first thing we did was empty the grocery shelves of all snack related foods. Lets face it, we were not told how long this would last and everyone knows packaged food with high fat and sugar content have the best shelf life. Really does the toilet paper shortage seem so miss placed in all of this? We know when you buy 40 boxes of ho ho’s and a pallet of chips ahoy, that what goes in must come out.

So what do you do when you have this huge stockpile of food and nowhere to go. I don’t know about you but I eat when I’m bored, stressed & upset. The government locked me in my house of course I'm bored. I can’t go to work to pay my bills that causes stress then just to ensure I will in fact finish the entire bag of gummy bears they say “Hey guess what your new title is home school teacher.” Not only do I have to get locked up with my little mini demons but now I have to attempt to teach them something as well. What is more stressful than that?

Am I totally off base here or does this seem like a very plausible scheme our president has cooked up? Think about it, all the gyms are closed but fast food restaurants open. Health clinics closed yet junk food mini marts open. To ensure social distancing school is out for the year, yet grocery stores are packed. Uncrowded walking trails and beaches closed yet drive through coffee shacks serve back to back 100’s of customers a day. Conspiracy I think not, the facts are pretty convincing. At least that’s what I’m mentally telling myself as I down a gallon of sugared coffee each morning.

Maybe I have to much time on my hands conspiracy and facts seem to be a fine line blurred in all of this madness and insanity. I can’t tell you the day of the week or the last time I showered but one thing is very clear. I’m not taking responsibility for any two month 40lb weight gain. It’s the governments Fault!!

I'll be back tomorrow with more family drama. Until then I'm signing off one Crazy Mad Mama!

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